Today is April 7, 2012. 2:16 AM. Right now, I am lost. Not lost. After Daddy came inside to look at our house today, I realized how much I am missing out on by not living with him. I learned that there is this connection I have with my dad that I can’t find anywhere else. When I was living with the Sepulvedas in Gilroy, I remember one day while talking to Shannon, she told me that daughters have a special connection with their dads that can never be replaced. At the time, I had no idea what she meant, but just recently, I learned what that connection feels like. Being with Daddy brings a father-daughter feeling that I can’t get from anyone. Which leads to my next point. As I write this with tears brimming in my eyes, I don’t really know how to phrase my next thoughts.
For the past year, we’ve all been past the fresh divorce stage of everything. The split between Mom and Dad had been nothing but the past within the next year. But now, things are changed. Living with Dad…Every time I do something, I am criticized. Every time I am near him, I feel like I am under surveillance. We have completely different mind sets. I absolutely cannot be myself around him, not because I am afraid of being myself, but because every time I try, I am shot down. I am told to stop doing the things I do. Everything I do around him is wrong. Everything I do is not good enough. I can’t stand it. It’s difficult for me to put emotions into my writing. Reading this, you will never even begin to understand where these feelings are coming from. Is it so wrong that almost everything I say to him is a lie? Is it wrong that whenever he is out of town, I don’t want him to ever come back? Is it wrong that when he tells us he misses us, I lie and say I miss him too? I believe it is. I can’t stand living under this house, under his rules. We have completely different mind sets. I cannot even explain how often he says things and I just want to rip my head off. We operate differently. None of his blood is in mine, so there is no reason for me to deny it. To him, everything is fine. To me, everything is not. He is a terrible parent. My next thought is going to make me sound like a greedy little bitch, but I don’t care so here it goes.
Dad does the bare minimum I feel like a parent should do. It’s hard from living with both mom and dad and having mom be the parent and caring for us while dad was always in the back room doing work and making money. His excuse for doing that was he made the money so he could do whatever he wanted. Mom cared. She cooked, she cleaned. She supported me. She pushed me. sure, she pushed me for the wrong reasons, get all A’s. But what the fuck. That’s basically all Asian parents. And it seems to have worked for everyone else, and it sure as hell worked for me. I got good grades. Now, dad doesn’t do any of that shit. He did not support me. I relied on my peers for transportation for outside of school requirements. Did not help me one bit for Winterball as I planned my ass off for that. I don’t mean to blame, but I feel like I could have done a lot better with him if I weren’t so afraid of asking him for help. For asking him to take me to the store to buy some things. For asking if he could pay for some items even though we will be reimbursed. For asking if he could take me to the school thirty minutes earlier, or if he could pick me up from school thirty minutes later so I can do extra planning. For asking him for advice. And the other parents are helping us, busting their asses while I have to explain to them that my dad is busy because he’s going to a Christmas part tonight. Then feeling guilty as shit and not being able to thank them all enough for their help. I thought parents wanted to support their child and watch them in all their activites and things they’re proud of. Every volleyball tournament I went to. Every choir concert I had. Parents. Parents everywhere. Thank you to dad for taking me to all my volleyball tournaments my freshman year that were three hours away. Before the divorce. Did you feel like you had to do it? Because you did nothing else in the house, so might as well help me with this? Thank you to dad for giving the impression that you stopped giving a fuck about volleyball by making me late to every single one of my practices. When I came into your room five minutes earlier, asking if you were ready to go like I always did, you told me it was too early. Why the fuck does it matter. Help me out here. Punctuality is fucking important. I learned that from you. Here I am, trying to be as punctual as fuck, and you make me late for fucking volleyball and school every fucking day I didn’t have leadership. Thanks for attending basically only my Reno tournament my sophomore year. Of all the tournaments to go to, you choose the Reno tournament. Gotta show your support somehow, eh? Thank you for barely giving a damn for the kind of impact choir has had on my life. Thank you for not even paying attention and talking while I was trying to show both you and Shelley the video of my very first concert in Chamber. At least Shelley gave the slightest damn, and she’s not even my mom. Sure, I’ve oly lived in Alameda for almost five months and I’ve attended Alameda High for exactly three, but now I understand what it means to be yourself, and I understand what the meaning of arrogance is. This, Dad, Alameda, has gotten to your head. You look down at the people in Gilroy. You disrespected the girl, Sierra, from Morgan Hill that was abducted. You said she probably ran off with her boyfriend with an air of snoot in your voice. More of an “I’ll say I told you so when I”m right” tone. You piss me off. This is like if I got abducted in Gilroy and people from Alameda are saying I ran off with my boyfriend just because they think they’re better than Gilroy-ians. Well, I obviously didn’t run off with my boyfriend because I don’t have one. Look at how wrong your statement could have been. More importantly, look at how inappropriate it was. You are way in over your head. We do not function properly together. You wouldn’t know because you have no idea what kind of things run through my mind when I am near you. Thank you for creating a wall of terror for me just for your verification as man of the house.
I can’t stand you.
Which is why I have a decision. The thought that has kept me from reading In Cold Blood for English. The thought that has kept me awake for the past three hours. I can live with Daddy. I can go back to Gilroy High. I can get away from Dad. Most importantly, I can live with Daddy. I know it will work. I can do it. That’s all I’ve been telling myself. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I cannot stand living here with Dad anymore. Absolutely cannot. The only thing pulling me back from a complete and final decision is shelby. If it weren’t for her, I’d be out the door. As she sleeps a mere 7 feet away from me with only a wall and a desk blocking our path, I can’t imagine how hard it would be for me without her, and how hard it would be for her without me. I can go back to Gilroy for my Senior year. I can live with my real dad which is something I’ve wanted for a long time. I can get away from Bruce. Living here for these past months, I’ve found myself, and I know what it means to be myself. I know what it means to think you’re better than everyone else. I thought about it, and for some reason, I thought I could live here for another year under dad’s wrath, taking in everything he said to me. I thought I’d be able to handle it, ignore what he thought about me, and leave as soon as I graduate. Silly me. I must have thought I was indestructible or something. There are so many things he doesn’t understand about me. So. Many. Things. I can’t even explain. He thinks the world is in BLACK AND FUCKING WHITE. Either this or that. Yes or no. No exceptions. To me, there ARE exceptions. Excuses are valid when they make sense. There are ALWAYS in-betweens. He doesn’t understand how extremely difficult it is to get into the groove of things once it’s already begun and still maintain expectations. He fills me with an unexplainable rage that I take out on the smallest things.
Poor Shelby. The only thing I can say is that I’ll be leaving for college in a year anyway. I have to wait a little. I have to see how school goes. I have to finish this year. I have to talk to Daddy about it. So many things I have to do. I just want to fail all my AP tests and just pay Dad back all the money once I get a job. I just want to give up.
I. Hate. Him. I just can’t stand his whole being. He shows more interest in Shelley than he does in us. I respect Shelby for being able to be herself around Dad without being criticized, questioned, brought down.
I just want my dad..
Going to Gilroy this past weekend
has made me realize how much hasn’t changed. Although I’m gone and so many people tell me things are different without me, it’s really only changed for a select few, including me.
On Saturday, I was supposed to go to my mom’s house, but I asked her if I could go to the musical that night in Gilroy, but she said the only way I could go was if I stayed the night at someone’s house because she couldn’t pick me up. I told her that this would be the only time I would stay in Gilroy instead of go to her house because I felt extremely guilty. But in my defense, she doesn’t even seem to appreciate it whenever Shelby and I are there at her house. She acts like she gets to see us everyday. As if we lived with her or something.
But yeah, I ended up going to Nicole’s house around 3pm that day, which was perfect timing. Her dad made this DELICIOUS Vietnamese soup/noodle thing and I don’t even know what it’s called.
After I ate, we went to Andrew’s house, and even though he’s one of my best friends, it was the first time I’ve ever been to his house. We hung out for a little while until Sami got there and we watched the Princess Bride. SUCH A GOOD MOVIE. SOOO FUNNY. I sat there for the first half hour making fun of some of the shit in it, but overall, it was a really good movie. We never got the chance to finish it though because we had to leave to go to the school so they could get ready for the musical.
When we got there at 6, I got out of the car and Nicole and I started walking up toward the theater. When we got closer, I realized the fire alarm was going off, and everyone said it had been going off for at least a half hour already for no particular reason. As Nicole and I walked past a car parked in the front of the parking lot, I realized it was Carol, the piano player for the musical and also the piano player for choir. But then, Nicole yelled at me, “HEY LOOK, STOCKS IS IN THE CAR!” I looked in the passenger seat and lo and behold, there he is. I gave him a wave and he got out of the car to greet me.
Oh lord, can I just say that he looked so good. He was dressed up probably because it was closing night. I wanted to die. a;sliaskfja;fj Just, jf;alsdkjf long story short, he looked great. So yeah. He came out just to give me a hug and say hello, but he said he had to stay in the car because he couldn’t handle the fire alarm any longer. So I went inside, and oh my god. EVERYONE FLIPPED OUT TO SEE ME. I almost cried. Like, I can’t even asdkjf;asldfkj too emotional. I miss this school so much. I really want to go back.
But okay, so I can just skip everything else because it was just catching up and hanging out with everyone. The musical, though, was absolutely spectacular. Everyone sounded amazing. At the end, I went out to the foyer to greet everyone, and we all went craaaaaazyy. OH GOD. I SAW MS. BUDD THERE. I WANTED TO CRY TOO. Gilroy just brings too many emotions. Ms. Budd is just alsdkfja;lkdfj I don’t even know. She just brings something out of me that I can’t even explain. The things she says about our class from my freshman year makes Nicole and me feel so appreciated. She’s probably the only teacher that has actually understood our willingness to learn and our work ethics and our actual potential. She has helped me through a lot of things that I can’t even explain, and for that, I am grateful.
So yeah. Went out to the foyer, saw people, yadda yadda yadda. I probably looked at Stocks like ten thousand times, and out of that ten thousand times, we probably made eye contact about nine thousand times. Heh. I was going to go up to him to say something, but I don’t even know what I was planning on saying. But then Nicole came up to me and we started walking toward him together, which was kind of good because it probably saved me from making myself look like an idiot. He gave me a handshake and a hug as if it were goodbye, but we told him we were all planning on going to Denny’s after, and he said he’d probably stop by and meet us there. So we left.
Andrew drove a clown car and brought like ten people to Denny’s. When we got there, the cast basically took over the entire back wall of booth seats and tables. Nicole, Sami, Andrew and I didn’t really want to sit in the midst of all of them, so we sat in our own little both right in front of them which was absolutely perfect. It was how it was supposed to be originally anyway if no one else could go to Denny’s. I had a ton of fun with my best friends :’) I don’t really like to refer to people as “best friends” just because it sounds weird. But I mean, they technically are.
When Stocks walked in, everyone began to clap and whistle for him. He took a seat next in between Mike Ruiz and someone else, and he sat at the Ruiz table. After a while, as we were playing hangman, he pulled up a chair and sat at the end of our booth table and asked if he could join us because it was becoming a little “much” for him over there. OF COURSE WE DON’T MIND, STOCKS. COME ON IN. We talked about a lot of stuff. It felt like a big reunion for me. But I mean, they all see each other everyday, soooo looks like I’m the odd one out, eh? Yeah, well whatever. I had a great time.
And then there’s Stocks.
He still kills me inside. He’s so…I don’t know. He breaks my heart every time I look at him. His quirkiness. His sarcastic sense of humor. His goofy smile. His morals. His awkwardness. His voice. His sense of clothing style. Every time I watch Pretty Little Liars and see Ezra, I think of him. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT. Very much so. God, what is wrong with me. It’s terrible. I mean, it’s one thing to think he’s good-looking. But I admit. It’s been since August. I left in December. It is now March. I am still thinking about him on a daily basis. Daily. As if some day…Yeah, I’d rather not say. It’s too embarrassing. But who am I to kid. I think I love him.
It’s not I think. It’s I do. You know, it’s just one of those things where I’d go by unnoticed. Just always…there. Not awkwardly. Just there. Because it would never work. Never. Ever. Ever. He’s fifteen years older than me. I mean, six years is one thing. Ten years is another thing. But fifteen years, that’s just…goddamn. Not happening.
Okay. Well, that’s established. Back to Denny’s.
Yeah. We talked plenty. He left. He gave me a handshake. His hands are so soft. Like, does he use girl lotion or something? Or girl body butter? I don’t know. He probably thought my hands were disgustingly rough compared to his hands, no matter how much body butter I put on daily…
So after Denny’s, Nicole and I went back to her house, and we stayed up until like 3 and went to bed. The next day, we went to set strike at 11 in the morning and my mom said she was coming around 1. It gave me enough time to hangout/”do work”. Saying goodbye and leaving was the hardest thing. After everyone else had left and there was only about 8 of us left, I started saying goodbye to everyone and Nicole called for a big group hug. Andrew threw me around like a rag doll and shoved me into the middle of the hug while still holding onto me. Punk ass. I yelled at Stocks asking if he was going to get in this, but he didn’t respond so I figured it was because he was counting money on the stairs of the stage. When we disassembled, he said, “No, Marissa, I’m not going to get in that because I want my own individual hug.” Jesus. Can I just askldjf;asdjf already. Please. Our last hug was a good one. By far one of the best.
So of course, the entire train ride, I was wishing that somehow, he happened to be on my same train to ride up to Oakland for some bizarre reason, and he happened to be in my same car. And then he’d see me. And then he’d sit next to me. And then we’d talk. And then we’d just…exchange numbers. Or skype names. HAHA. That would have been so perfect, exchanging skype names and whatnot. What have we come to these days.
I’d just like to say that if he got out of Carol’s car when I got there the day of the musical just to give me a hug, he cares about me at least the slightest bit. I mean, he really could have just waved from the car window because I never really thought I was worth more than that to him. But he actually got out of the car for me, and he gave me a hug.
But yeah. That’s basically it for now. I will definitely be talking about this sometime soon. I miss Gilroy. I miss my friends. I miss you.
I love you.
Officially decided.
I’m not going to prom. It’s too fucking complicated and this whole situation with Marvin and Nicole is pissing me off. I am going to type up the conversation between Nicole and me we just had. On a note, I was originally supposed to go to prom with Nicole as my date with my friends Evita, Michelle, Brittany, and other people on our bus. Everything was extremely expensive (the ticket alone is 75$) all together with the bus and dinner and everything, but I mean, I could still afford it. But then Marvin wanted to ask Nicole to prom and I was totally okay with it because it was just a new plan. Then Marvin and Nicole got into this little deal which is a completely different, stupid story, so Nicole and I planned on going to prom again. Suddenly, they make up, and he wants to ask her to prom again. Here’s our conversation:
Me: so i’m probably going to go to prom with marvin and all the guys.
Nicole: Woaah! what happened with the girls?
Me: Nothing happened lol. number one it’s cheapter with marvin because they’re taking a limo not a bus, and we’re eating at his restaurant for free. and number two, my dad still thinks you’re my date and if you’re staying the night, you’re pretty much our responsibility so it’s just too difficult if i went with my other friends.
Nicole: Oh daamn, hahaha. Just tell you’re dad I’m not your date anymore! I don’t want you to not go with your friends because of me.
Me: Well i don’t want him to get the wrong idea. he’ll ask why you’re not going with me anymore, and if i tell him the truth it’ll either make me look like a push over or you look like a shitty friend. and he’d ask why you’re spending the night at our house if you’re going to prom with someone else. it’ll look like you’re just looking for a place to stay.
Nicole: AHHH, man…WELL. I dunno if my mom wants me to stay the night anymore, hahaha. I think she might go venture up in Frisco for the night and come back when it was time to go. She’s being really nit picky about the whole situation and wants to be there like every waking second. So that might help!
Me: Fuck it. i don’t think i’m going to prom.
Nicole: NO WHYY GO
Me: This is irritating. we planned on going together before marvin. then he decided to ask you and i was like yeah okay sure. then you guys got into your little fight. then he decided not to ask you. then you and i planned on going together again. then marvin wanted to suddenly ask you again. then you can’t go with me anymore. then he says he’ll pay for your ticket. now you have a date to my fucking prom and i don’t because i’m the new girl. you know, it’s easy to SAY you’re going to prom alone until you actually get there and you’re standing by yourself taking pictures and you’re sitting by yourself on the limo and you’re sitting alone during couples dances. fuck it. it’s a waste of my money if i go with my friends and it’s a waste of my time if i go at all. and if you’re not sleeping over, i have no final reason to go.
That was the end and that’s when I started typing this post until she replied 20 minutes later.
Nicole: I know. I’m sorry this is frustrating. I completely understand. You know I would cancel on Marvin for you if you really don’t want me to go. But I can’t cancel on him after the effort he made. And I feel like shit because if I go and you don’t, it makes me look like a bitch for going to YOUR prom. But if I cancel on Marvin, it makes me a bitch too after the money he spent on barely even asking me to go. And now it’s frustrating for me too.
Me: Why would i want o you to cancel on marvin? that makes no sense. i’ve decided i’m not going, and no one is going to think you’re a bitch unless they know whose prom you’re going to, and they realize that it happens to be my school. and people are such idiots they probably won’t even figure that out. i’m not really frustrated like i was twenty minutes ago. i’m actually happy with my decision. i just wish you didn’t feel as bad as you do for marvin.
Nicole: Ahh, that’s good! As long as you’re okay with everything. I just feel bad for him because I don’t want him to think it’s something more than it is! I feel like he’s expecting so much out of me and I can’t give him what he wants and it makes me feel awful.
Me: Thanks. and well, it’s too late for that. everyone is referring to you guys as a couple. you’re more popular than i am at our school.
Nicole: I KNOW IT’S TOO LATE That’s why it makes me feel like shit.
What I wanted to say: Good. you really should.
What I actually said: Last thing and then i’m done with talking about prom/making you feel bad. people ask what’s going down at prom with marvin and his date and at the after party. not sure what that means. and also, of all 38 people that liked marvin’s picture of you and him, and of all 23 people that liked the video of him asking you, i am friends with half of them. what sucks is that they all know you now as marvin’s mystery date he’s been “talking” to from another school that he talks about, and not my best friend.
Nicole: Welllll, fuck.
What I want to say: Yeah, sorry you’re in such a “rut”.
I’m not as pissed off as I was thirty minutes ago. Now I’m satisfied with my decision of not going to prom because number one, won’t make me feel like shit, and number two, it’ll save me a hundred fifty bucks. Well, that’s it for now. I’m probably going to write about the jumping I will receive after I tell Evita, Brittany, and Michelle that I’m not going anymore. If I’m still alive.
I’d just like to say…
that I’m glad I have this separate blog to post shit without having people I know read it. I mean, even Nicole knows I run a separate blog, but she respects that and hasn’t even asked me for the URL. And I respect the fact that she respects my second blog, haha. I think Nicole and I making up is probably one of the best things that’s happened to me. Losing her created a gaping hole in me for those dreadful two months we didn’t speak, but now, talking to her is a daily routine. And those two months isn’t even a lost cause. We still refer to it and discuss it as it comes up which is good. Now she is a part of my life just as much as she was when I lived in Gilroy, even IF we live an hour and a half away from each other. She knows all my friends, and a lot of my friends at least know ABOUT her. Especially Marvin and Bryant and the other guys. We were on tiny chat last night with Marvin, and she met Alex and Chris for the first time. Then Bryant came in, and I met Michaela, haha. That was a good night.
Things have definitely gotten better since my first day of school. High school typically sucks for anyone that stands out, but being the new girl has its ups and downs…it’s certainly getting increasingly better day by day. I’m just grateful I have friends, haha. This is my fourth week at this school and I’m already lovin’ it, although it’s still a struggle to keep up with a ton of new people. I’ll get used to it though.
I’d also like to say that coming here has helped me look at who I really am. In Gilroy, it was kind of hard for me to do or change anything that I wanted. In all honesty, there were certain outfits in my closet that I felt like I couldn’t even wear because I felt like people would just shun me out and think things like “whoa, she’s never worn something like that before…why is she trying hard to dress like so-and-so,” and things like that. I don’t know why, looking back, I was an insecure little shit. But I just remember it being so hard for me. Now I’m going into my fourth week of school and I feel as free as a bird. I can wear whatever I want, I can walk as fast or as slow as I want, I can hang out during lunch by myself if I want, yadda yadda yadda…You get the point.
Like I said, Alameda has helped me look at who I really am, but I don’t just mean mentally. I mean physically, too. For the longest time, I had really bad acne. Well, maybe not the longest time, just from like freshman to sophomore year. But it was like REALLY bad.
But at the time, it didn’t even bother me. I never really cared about my acne, and I was glad that my dad understood that. My mom, however, went so over-the-top about it and made countless appointments with dermatologists for me just to get my acne checked out. She was probably just disgusted by it. Just being herself. My mom is a completely different story though…but yeah. I had all these appointments and I had a TON of medicine prescribed to me that she forced me to use religiously. I had medical face wash, medical face lotion, medical face ointment, and even pills that she forced me to take all for my damn acne. Shit that came most likely because of my hormones. It was terrible. Because of her, my liver will probably be destroyed thirty years from now from those pills I had to take. -.-
So yeah. My point is, I had really bad acne. And basically my entire life, I’ve always been slightly overweight. Like, I think the last time I was in the correct range for my height was like third or fourth grade. Since then, I’ve always been at least ten pounds above average which actually kind of sucks now that I actually think about it.
In Gilroy, I had the fattest ego I’ve ever had in my life. I was way too comfortable with myself even when I knew I was overweight and had bad acne. And sure, being comfortable with yourself is always a good thing, but I was comfortable for all the wrong reasons.
I was comfortable because I knew I had all these people that liked me.
I knew I was good at volleyball.
I knew I was at the top of the choir food chain.
I knew I was in the top ten students of my class.
Because of those things, I had no motivation to try to fix those unhealthy habits. And also because of my ego, I was too afraid to do anything without tearing down anything else that the people around me expected. People expected me to be happy and peppy. If I were to ask someone, “Do you expect me to be happy all the time?” chances are, they will say no. But if I were around the same person and chose to be quiet because I didn’t feel like talking, chances are, they’d ask me the question, “Marissa, are you okay?” or “Marissa, what’s wrong?” Because I’m not forcing a light, pointless conversation, there must be something going on? And it’s true. It can’t be denied because I’ve gotten that question so many times when there was nothing wrong.
In Alameda, I have no reputation (well, other than being the new girl), I have no front, I have no artificial peppiness.
I’m just floating.
Lately, I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror, and I’m not liking what I’m seeing. Now I totally understand why girls are always unhappy with how they look. Before, I’ll say it again, because of my ego, I was “comfortable” with how I looked (or, so I said) which was enough convincing for me to NOT exercise outside of volleyball and to NOT get into healthier habits. I mean, I’m not fat. I’m just big. I’ve seen fat, and I know what fat is, and I am not fat. There’s a difference between having fat and being fat. Looking back, I don’t want to be that same person locked in my room with the computer on all day which is why lately, I’ve been exercising and eating healthier. In Gilroy, these are things I always said I was GOING to do. Here, they’re things I’m actually doing to make myself feel better.
I don’t want to have to worry about what I want to wear. I want to just be able to wear it and be happy, which I’ve actually been doing extremely well on. It’s only been a couple of days since I’ve started exercising, but I already feel really good.
I’ve never felt this way about myself before. I’m not talking about the good feeling of healthy habits, I’m talking about this issue with my body. I just honestly can’t believe I got so comfortable with myself and didn’t even realize it. Now I just want to change myself for the better more than anything.
I’m going to continue talking about this some other time. I think it’s time for me to go to bed. Goodnight, everyone. Goodnight, dearest Marissa.
